Women, etc.

[nathanm]

so my wife until recently has been working 4 days a week. She recently left my 5 y.o daughter and I for 6 weeks to work interstate (she applied and fought to get the posting, not forced to go), supposedly to "further her career". I begrudgingly (sp?) agree on the condition when she returns, she can go back to work fulltime and I'll work part time and care for our daughter the other days.

So 5 weeks after she returns we get into a fight, starts off because I don't do enough housework but finally tells the truth. Turns out she feels guilty about working 5 days a week as she thinks she's missing out on time with our daughter. So I point out the obvious that it wasn't an issue to leave her for 6 whole weeks straight. And you can guess what a complete asshole I am now.

yes it was hurtful too her, but it was also the straight truth.

Am I a complete asshat or do I have a valid point?

 

[Bermshot]

Truth but I perceive there is something else spinning in her head, it's your job to help her bring out her truth.

 

[Richo 18]

Holy. Fuck. Will.

That's practically sellable.

I couldn't imagine ever choosing a best mate or a girl at that point. But really, you have to choose the most valuable relationship at the end of the day. Still damn.

 

[Cypher]

yes it was hurtful too her, but it was also the straight truth.

Am I a complete asshat or do I have a valid point?

Honesty can also be cruelty. While you may have a valid point the way in which you say it indicates the level of emotional support you give the other person. Which is why honesty can be cruel.

I would say in a healthy, robust relationship you can sometimes get away with saying 'honest' things. Most times you have to be careful though and consider the emotional impact of what you want to say.

As to the caring for the child. Sounds like she is torn between liking work and also the social desire to be a 'good mum'. Every person needs some time to themselves - maybe that 6 weeks was good for her?

But you can also reassure your wife that you don't need to sacrifice your career to also be a good parent. (Within reason) It is about quality - not quantity - of time with your offspring. Being warm and emotionally available to your children and working 5 days a week definitely trumps being somewhat conflicted over your role and doing an alright but begrudging parenting job.

It is also good for the both of you in the long run when you both have super to retire on.

I think you both need a holiday (both together and seperate) from the parenting gig if you can manage it. Even if it is just for the weekend.

I have a little boy (nearly 2) and I work full time. And he is absolutely gorgeous and funny (like all children at that age). I'm not worried about 'missing out' because essentially he does the same things every day. Yes the time goes quickly, but also slowly. Slippery slides are cool, but...I am not guilty about liking my job and I know I can't do the parenting alone- I am incredibly lucky to have a good partner to help along with family. A 'mum' should be just one of the team - important, but not alone.

 

[Elbo]

I think you had a valid point, but you were a prick to use it in an argument against her.

 

[nathanm]

Thanks Cypher, thats certainly given me some really excellent perspective and I'd have to agree on everything you've written.

I think I may have been somewhat of an asshat.

 

[MARKL]

At some level she probably felt guilty about being away for the 6 weeks...so yes asshat. Though I probably would have done the same - given how well my marriage turned out I am not a good role model.

 

[Asininedrivel]

Alright. This is definitely a first for me, but my brain is currently a swirling maelstrom and typing it all out might help...

I've been in a relationship with a girl I met at uni for close to a year now. I was determined not to get distracted by relationships during my second stint at uni but best laid plans and all that. Started off as mates, I actually friend-zoned her because a) I liked her a lot and didn't want to hurt her and b) there's a small age gap.. Anyway, we just got on too well, one thing led to another and several months later I'm very happily in a relationship. Words do not describe how cool this girl is. She's incredibly mature, really easygoing, really, really funny, super intelligent and damn easy on the eye. Much win. So why am I whinging on a public forum I hear you ask?

Two weeks ago she went on a skiing trip with a couple of mates to NZ. I was invited but due to financial mismanagement I couldn't go. No hard feelings. Usual fairly frequent communication, skype calls, msgs blah. Anyway she was having a great time (usual seven billion fb photos) and was hanging with a group of friends they ran into over there. Anyway, she came back this week but instantly something was wrong. She's been very distant which is really, REALLY unusual for her. Anyway we've talked about things and it all eventually came out - really unhappy at uni, a bit directionless, and is feeling like we're "just mates". I don't know whether it's just an extreme holiday hangover or what. She needs time to sort the forest from the trees (understandable). We're on a "break" now with no clear boundaries - something I am trying to decipher as I write this. My fucking evil brain is of course going straight to worst case scenario - that something happened over in NZ.

So, any advice? I'm just trying to give her space to work out what she needs with no pressure. We're both very easygoing so I think that this is best. Did she just have an epiphany over in NZ, or is it something much, much worse?

All I can say is if you told me a week ago I'd be feeling like this I'd laugh. I simply did not see this coming at all...

 

[Asininedrivel]

I should ad that normally I'd hassle my mates about this kinda stuff, but rudely none of them are picking up their phones. Maybe I smell. Plus it's good sometimes to hear perspectives from the sea of anonymity otherwise known as the internets.

 

[Ivan]

If your girlfriend/wife/partner goes away on a holiday, and she was fine before, and then is weird after, something happened on that holiday, and it wasn't meditation or contemplation. I speak from experience.

 

[STP_rider]

So I have a bit of a problem, I met this girl and we dated for about a month before we broke up but since then have remained really close friends. Now the problem is I still have feelings for her but she has made it clear that she doesn't want to get back together, just stay friends. Is there anything I can do to help her change her mind without ruining our friendship ?

 

[Knuckles]

So I have a bit of a problem, I met this girl and we dated for about a month before we broke up but since then have remained really close friends. Now the problem is I still have feelings for her but she has made it clear that she doesn't want to get back together, just stay friends. Is there anything I can do to help her change her mind without ruining our friendship ?

Start dating another girl. She'll be on you like pox on a sailor.
Nothing works like jealousy to revive a lass's affections.

 

[bardynt]

Start dating another girl. She'll be on you like pox on a sailor.
Nothing works like jealousy to revive a lass's affections.

i think he has hit the nail on the head

have a look at any dating shows when chicks have completion they suddenly bring out jealous side

funny how it works cause the same guy with no competition wont even get looked at

 

[pistonbroke]

 

[STP_rider]

Cheers fellas
Might have to start seeing a few other guys I know she has some kind of feelings cause whenever we are together she holds my handle and always cuddles me,
So confused

 

[Knuckles]

Cheers fellas
Might have to start seeing a few other guys I know she has some kind of feelings cause whenever we are together she holds my handle and always cuddles me,
So confused

Steer clear of other guys, this will kill all chances with her.....................and if she's willing to hold your handle.....well, thats a win. :caked:

 

[Mywifesirrational]

So confused

This IS a completely normal response when interacting with the opposite sex.

The problem is (yes, i am being very, very general) that they have no idea what they want - think about when the average woman goes shopping (observational data from wife and her friends) they just buy random shit, especially if it's on special. Men go shopping with a list, after much research.

You are the product, you need to sell it to her, used car salesman style, once she has 'signed up' it doesn't really matter what shit you have told her as long as you've broken no laws.

Get a photo of her, put it on a tshirt, also put on there future wife... she'll ever love or hate it, but you'll have a clear answer.

 

[STP_rider]

Sorry other girls I know haha

 

[steve job's pancreas]

Alcohol, the cause, and solution, to all of life's problems !!!!

 

[pistonbroke]

Bloke at work is in a world of pain with his lady.
He is new to Australia and came here to marry a nice girl he met online. All nice so far right? Well it gets complicated. She works with men and relieves them of large sums of cash for personal services. Really really weird personal services. The full works. If your twisted mind can think it, she'll fulfill your sick fantasy.
So he moves here, they get married and all is great. Then he gets a job. Great move right? Wrong. She says she wants a divorce because now he is earning money her pension has been reduced. She still loves him but he has to go.

Immigration says you have to go unless a b and c happen. C being she fills in a form for him. Sounds easy right? She still loves him, so surely she'll fill in a couple of forms yeah? Of course she will........ For $3000.
On and on it goes. She goes out and shags half the state and he gets beaten up and set on fire for talking to another girl.
Now she wants him to sign a pre-nup that will be back dated to before they were married, and he has to pay the lawyers to do it.
There seems to be no limit to how she can fuck people for money.

My sex life is very boring in comparison but that's fine with me.