Black Dogs and mental shit in general

[The Duckmeister]

Heard today from the submission by Coles - they are blaming suppliers and farmers for the high prices.

Of course they would.

 

[Rorschach]

OK, update time 10 days in.
Everything has wound back a fair bit since last week, which I kind of expected but not as quickly as it's happened.
On Thursday, I noticed my mind starting to wander again, which it hadn't done a lot of since the weekend. I've had a song stuck in my head for a whole week now too.
so head is a bit noisier again, but still down on before. Focus has taken a hit again so need to keep reminding myself to keep working!
I am still calmer than I was, and these meds have done more for my depression than the SSRIs/SNRIs ever have, which is positive. I have gotten frustrated and snappy a couple of times, but it still seems less than previous.
Appetite has come back a bit, but still down a bit on before.
I have 5 more weeks before I see the shrink again and he'll likely increase the dose again to see where I end up.

Still glad I got it looked at, best thing I've done in quite a while.

Probably due an update in here after about 6 weeks on the meds.
I have my follow-up with the Psychiatrist today, I expect he'll increase my meds.

Since I last posted, things have settled down to what I'd call my baseline level, that is to say I'm not noticing any real difference in how I was before I started on the Vyvanse other than slightly increased bouts of productivity at work and the ability to focus more there, although not for long. Thats much the same as before, but more often.
The noise in my head is back, and I constantly feel like I can't concentrate on one thing and am fidgeting a lot - tapping my feet, picking at my nails etc. This made 4 days of training last week pretty hard when I had part of my concentration on keeping an eye on emails and not what I was supposed to be listening to, despite the training being interesting and engaging.
For the most part I am calmer but over the last maybe 3 weeks I've been getting really agitated over nothing and incredibly frustrated, particularly with the kids. Putting a couple of bikes in the back of the car along with the pram a couple of Sundays ago resulted in me chucking them on the floor in frustration and running into a cupboard in the house and screaming to get it out. That was a low point.
My patience has been really low, and it's not been fun for me and not been fun for the family. Getting out the door is not fun on any day. I know full well I'm being irrational and acting on emotion, but it's almost like my baseline has gone backwards. I feel afterwards like I'm going to cry, and pretty embarrassed with myself and struggling to look the wife in the eye and apologise at the time. She understands, but she's also getting understandably frustrated with me.
I stopped seeing my psychologist at the end of last year, but it might be worth going back again just to try and talk things through every few weeks and give my brain a good scrub. She's better to talk to than the shrink.

 

[slowmick]

A lot of that resonates with me. Please don't overlook the fact that you are a family man with one very young child. Your baseline is not completely in your control. Comparing baselines to others also leads to disaster. You're getting out of bed, trucking on and having the occasional moment. And you have a plan to move forward. Sounds like a win to me.

 

[Rorschach]

A lot of that resonates with me. Please don't overlook the fact that you are a family man with one very young child. Your baseline is not completely in your control. Comparing baselines to others also leads to disaster. You're getting out of bed, trucking on and having the occasional moment. And you have a plan to move forward. Sounds like a win to me.

This is true, although comparing frustration to late last year - which was probably trickier as the eldest wasn’t at school every day so not a regular schedule - it’s at a higher level.

 

[slowmick]

This is true, although comparing frustration to late last year - which was probably trickier as the eldest wasn’t at school every day so not a regular schedule - it’s at a higher level.

Are you dealing with dumb people at work? That ain't gonna help.

 

[Rorschach]

Are you dealing with dumb people at work? That ain't gonna help.

No for the most part. I like my job and to be honest the people make.

 

[Rorschach]

Probably due an update in here after about 6 weeks on the meds.
I have my follow-up with the Psychiatrist today, I expect he'll increase my meds.

Since I last posted, things have settled down to what I'd call my baseline level, that is to say I'm not noticing any real difference in how I was before I started on the Vyvanse other than slightly increased bouts of productivity at work and the ability to focus more there, although not for long. Thats much the same as before, but more often.
The noise in my head is back, and I constantly feel like I can't concentrate on one thing and am fidgeting a lot - tapping my feet, picking at my nails etc. This made 4 days of training last week pretty hard when I had part of my concentration on keeping an eye on emails and not what I was supposed to be listening to, despite the training being interesting and engaging.
For the most part I am calmer but over the last maybe 3 weeks I've been getting really agitated over nothing and incredibly frustrated, particularly with the kids. Putting a couple of bikes in the back of the car along with the pram a couple of Sundays ago resulted in me chucking them on the floor in frustration and running into a cupboard in the house and screaming to get it out. That was a low point.
My patience has been really low, and it's not been fun for me and not been fun for the family. Getting out the door is not fun on any day. I know full well I'm being irrational and acting on emotion, but it's almost like my baseline has gone backwards. I feel afterwards like I'm going to cry, and pretty embarrassed with myself and struggling to look the wife in the eye and apologise at the time. She understands, but she's also getting understandably frustrated with me.
I stopped seeing my psychologist at the end of last year, but it might be worth going back again just to try and talk things through every few weeks and give my brain a good scrub. She's better to talk to than the shrink.

Right, saw the shrink and he's bumped my dosage up to 60mg (from 40mg) and also prescribed me some normal dexies to shoulder and bump things up a bit. Will start that tomorrow and see how I go.
I'm seeing him again in 3 months for a review to see how I get on, he said they'd likely bump the doses on both a little more and monitor from there.
He also said that it sounds like the Vyvanse is helping with my depression and we can likely start dropping the Pristiq with a view to coming off it, which is good

 

[Rorschach]

nothing to see here

That sucks mate.
My journey really started not long before my second son was born. Parenthood is hard, and until you do it its not something you know how to deal with.

I also get what you're saying about problems being trivial. It's hard when you're so far removed but at the end of the day, your problems are the most important thing happening to you, whether its mental health or the aforementioned warzone.

Making/keeping/finding close friends is something I can definitely relate to. I have people I talk to and people I work with, but no close friends. The people I used to be close with and I see again, we often pick up where we left off but that's not all that often at all.
Outside of work, the people I see is the Wifes family and the people across the road. My usual riding group is my Wifes dad and brother ffs!

 

[oldcorollas]

Nothing to see here

HAPPY BIRTHDAY for yesterday!!!

From a random on the internets

 

[slowmick]

Don't underestimate the power of music on your mood - I left the house late for work in a fair kent of a mood after dragging my family kicking and screaming into the day. Half way to work "never had so much fun" from Frenzal Rhomb and by the end of the song I as ready to face the day. Get those tunes pumping people we can do another day.

 

[SummitFever]

Nothing to see here

All those things you describe are terrible things to deal with. You're right to not feel great about the situation.

I feel like the prevalence of social media driven #liveYourBestLife bullshit creates an extra pressure/unreasonable expectation that the default state of the human condition is one of happiness. It's not.

It's perfectly acceptable to be unhappy about having to eat a shit sandwich. Focus on the fact that you will eventually get through it and soon the taste of it will be but a memory.

 

[dancaseyimages]

All good

I hear you there, Child Support used to make me so angry and bitter (they have a list/script of what the majority care single parent is entitled to and especially in Canberra with the higher cost of living, it's a bit higher than they would get in other states when you take everything into account, I even had the 'classic' accounts taken over/seized for a little while as I went into a trade and needed to justify the drop in money from a Full Time Sales Assistant to a Mature Age Apprentice which took almost 12 months to justify).
Even 15 years later I still look at promotions and think will it pay off in the realms of paid overtime / unpaid overtime vs what I pay now and helps push towards more 'cash jobs' from my trades (Luckily Mechanic and Tiling skills came in handy especially with the construction/tradie shortage).
Don't let it get you down to much though, its until they are 18 years old, then that's it for payments, and kids are awesome so just keep that in mind.
There is a life after separation but it's all about finding yourself again and getting back to a happy point which takes a long time after you've been in a relationship for a while.

 

[Scotty T]

This popped up on my feed, ooft!

 

[Cardy George]

This is pretty small change in terms of the rest of what the rest of you are dealing with, but it's churning around inside my head, it needs to come out somewhere.

I have a constant battle going on for my services. From everyone. So many people want so many things from me. Driving home from Bright I listened to an Imperfects Podcast with Dr Emily about social anxiety that really hit home. Basically as a result of my volatile father I live a life of constantly trying to please people. She said there are actually some really great characteristics that manifest out of this, but that's me in a nutshell. Surprised the hell out of me. Always thought I am who I am despite him, not because of him.

Getting gentle pressure from work to spend more time in the office doing the things we promised to do before harvest started. Had to travel for work Thurs/Fri and drive home on Saturday, which was supposed to be spent in the yard doing the things Mrs George has planned. Last Friday night my hub breaks. Race home Saturday morning feeling a guilty about spending time on one of "my" activities, to find the hub is actually well fucked. Spend most of the afternoon working out the best course of action. Up early Sunday to learn the race timing system for the bike club so after three years we can actually use it. Sunday afternoon spent on it setting up the next event.

On top of that, it was also my birthday on Sunday. Mrs George has bought me an awesome Jetboil Flash cooker. It's a nifty, not cheap, piece of gear. But it's very much like the bowling ball Homer bought Marge, it's not specifically my thing and has subsequently gone into the general camping tub.

Then to finish off the night, laying in bed and the conversation turns to how nothing was done around the house this weekend, how I've not been meeting her expectations and I should be paying more attention to her needs and what she needs done.

I'm running my arse off doing so much shit for other people that there is no such thing as a "George" project anymore, it's one big list of someone else's instructions and I'm over it.

 

[beeb]

This is pretty small change in terms of the rest of what the rest of you are dealing with, but it's churning around inside my head, it needs to come out somewhere.

I have a constant battle going on for my services. From everyone. So many people want so many things from me. Driving home from Bright I listened to an Imperfects Podcast with Dr Emily about social anxiety that really hit home. Basically as a result of my volatile father I live a life of constantly trying to please people. She said there are actually some really great characteristics that manifest out of this, but that's me in a nutshell. Surprised the hell out of me. Always thought I am who I am despite him, not because of him.

Getting gentle pressure from work to spend more time in the office doing the things we promised to do before harvest started. Had to travel for work Thurs/Fri and drive home on Saturday, which was supposed to be spent in the yard doing the things Mrs George has planned. Last Friday night my hub breaks. Race home Saturday morning feeling a guilty about spending time on one of "my" activities, to find the hub is actually well fucked. Spend most of the afternoon working out the best course of action. Up early Sunday to learn the race timing system for the bike club so after three years we can actually use it. Sunday afternoon spent on it setting up the next event.

On top of that, it was also my birthday on Sunday. Mrs George has bought me an awesome Jetboil Flash cooker. It's a nifty, not cheap, piece of gear. But it's very much like the bowling ball Homer bought Marge, it's not specifically my thing and has subsequently gone into the general camping tub.

Then to finish off the night, laying in bed and the conversation turns to how nothing was done around the house this weekend, how I've not been meeting her expectations and I should be paying more attention to her needs and what she needs done.

I'm running my arse off doing so much shit for other people that there is no such thing as a "George" project anymore, it's one big list of someone else's instructions and I'm over it.

Unfortunately, the nature of your/my industry is the better you do (not just output, but the customer experience) - the more gets piled on your plate. It's a blessing when you're trying to build up a customer base, but can rapidly snowball and become overwhelming. To me it sounds like you need to ease in some boundaries in your professional life, to allow more time in your personal life. Maybe set some hard limits, ie: not working weekends. Must leave site/be home by 'X' time - even if it means a return visit to site (Yes, even though that likely means another massive round trip once rebooked). Not everything can be first in the allotted time, and there's times where you need to make time for the other stuff. I get where you're coming from, it's honourable, but don't want to let it spill too much over into the family side of things.

 

[Minlak]

This is pretty small change in terms of the rest of what the rest of you are dealing with, but it's churning around inside my head, it needs to come out somewhere.

I have a constant battle going on for my services. From everyone. So many people want so many things from me. Driving home from Bright I listened to an Imperfects Podcast with Dr Emily about social anxiety that really hit home. Basically as a result of my volatile father I live a life of constantly trying to please people. She said there are actually some really great characteristics that manifest out of this, but that's me in a nutshell. Surprised the hell out of me. Always thought I am who I am despite him, not because of him.

Getting gentle pressure from work to spend more time in the office doing the things we promised to do before harvest started. Had to travel for work Thurs/Fri and drive home on Saturday, which was supposed to be spent in the yard doing the things Mrs George has planned. Last Friday night my hub breaks. Race home Saturday morning feeling a guilty about spending time on one of "my" activities, to find the hub is actually well fucked. Spend most of the afternoon working out the best course of action. Up early Sunday to learn the race timing system for the bike club so after three years we can actually use it. Sunday afternoon spent on it setting up the next event.

On top of that, it was also my birthday on Sunday. Mrs George has bought me an awesome Jetboil Flash cooker. It's a nifty, not cheap, piece of gear. But it's very much like the bowling ball Homer bought Marge, it's not specifically my thing and has subsequently gone into the general camping tub.

Then to finish off the night, laying in bed and the conversation turns to how nothing was done around the house this weekend, how I've not been meeting her expectations and I should be paying more attention to her needs and what she needs done.

I'm running my arse off doing so much shit for other people that there is no such thing as a "George" project anymore, it's one big list of someone else's instructions and I'm over it.

Nothing is “small change” for mental health - people have to stop trying to compare what they are going through to what other people are going through - it minimises your feelings and wellbeing and no one’s is more important than any one else’s - good on you for opening up somewhere.

As far as what to do all I can suggest is as mentioned above the more you do the more people expect - your usual output becomes the norm and they always expect more cause no one sees what you have already done.

I personally have had a rough couple of years managing to prioritise what mattered to me as I didn’t want to upset or disappoint people - and not a single person is disappointed or upset they just got someone else to do it as that’s all they wanted from me anyway.

The wife thing is harder as that’s a relationship you need to focus on more as it’s more intimate and both people need to feel listened too.

 

[ForkinGreat]

This is pretty small change in terms of the rest of what the rest of you are dealing with, but it's churning around inside my head, it needs to come out somewhere.

I have a constant battle going on for my services. From everyone. So many people want so many things from me. Driving home from Bright I listened to an Imperfects Podcast with Dr Emily about social anxiety that really hit home. Basically as a result of my volatile father I live a life of constantly trying to please people. She said there are actually some really great characteristics that manifest out of this, but that's me in a nutshell. Surprised the hell out of me. Always thought I am who I am despite him, not because of him.

Getting gentle pressure from work to spend more time in the office doing the things we promised to do before harvest started. Had to travel for work Thurs/Fri and drive home on Saturday, which was supposed to be spent in the yard doing the things Mrs George has planned. Last Friday night my hub breaks. Race home Saturday morning feeling a guilty about spending time on one of "my" activities, to find the hub is actually well fucked. Spend most of the afternoon working out the best course of action. Up early Sunday to learn the race timing system for the bike club so after three years we can actually use it. Sunday afternoon spent on it setting up the next event.

On top of that, it was also my birthday on Sunday. Mrs George has bought me an awesome Jetboil Flash cooker. It's a nifty, not cheap, piece of gear. But it's very much like the bowling ball Homer bought Marge, it's not specifically my thing and has subsequently gone into the general camping tub.

Then to finish off the night, laying in bed and the conversation turns to how nothing was done around the house this weekend, how I've not been meeting her expectations and I should be paying more attention to her needs and what she needs done.

I'm running my arse off doing so much shit for other people that there is no such thing as a "George" project anymore, it's one big list of someone else's instructions and I'm over it.

Take this with a grain of salt as it might not be useful for you.
One thing I thought of to help with boundaries with work - could be this... or words to that effect:
"I appreciate that you would really like this (extra) task done/overtime/coming in on day off FFS, but I have to start prioritizing my marriage and home life, as my relationship with my wife has been suffering, and she has made that clear to me As it's become clear to My partner and I that our relationship has been suffering .. ." (AND you haven't had any time to decompress, let alone potter away at something YOU want to do.)
And there would be truth in that, because if your home life is suffering, then work usually deteriorates to some degree as well.

Some other people need to learn to be able to use the timing system for the bike club, for the same reasons.

Guilt trips are fucked, and they are used by Work, Clubs that rely on free labour and time from volunteers (yes, that's just about every club), and also life partners and significant others - All to get things THEY want, and usually at the expense of your own well being.

Also, callously, remember that your employer ultimately DOESN'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE.
Their only concern is your utility as a resource to getting things done. The instant you cease to be useful, or fall below a certain standard of work, you are dead to them. If you are actually dead, you will be replaced within a week or two.
Be wary of any employer who says that their workplace "is a family", or appeal to your emotions or sense of Loyalty etc etc, as they will not show you a skerrick of loyalty if shit goes sideways, generally speaking.

 

[wesdadude]

and she has made that clear to me..

I'd phrase this as "it's become clear to us". She's not the bad guy demanding you do less for them, you've both decided you value your marriage and want to invest in it. That means you can do less other stuff.

 

[ForkinGreat]

I'd phrase this as "it's become clear to us". She's not the bad guy demanding you do less for them, you've both decided you value your marriage and want to invest in it. That means you can do less other stuff.

spot on. Agreed.

".......As it's become clear to My Partner and I that our relationship has been suffering"

 

[Rorschach]

Right, saw the shrink and he's bumped my dosage up to 60mg (from 40mg) and also prescribed me some normal dexies to shoulder and bump things up a bit. Will start that tomorrow and see how I go.
I'm seeing him again in 3 months for a review to see how I get on, he said they'd likely bump the doses on both a little more and monitor from there.
He also said that it sounds like the Vyvanse is helping with my depression and we can likely start dropping the Pristiq with a view to coming off it, which is good

Another update, 4 weeks on the increased dose.
I'm seeing a sustained increase to my focus at work and at home, and a bit more motivation for stuff. I can sit at my desk and churn through stuff for a good 2-3 hours before I realise I have to take a piss or something - I certainly take less notice of the clock! I still flit between things a little but can generally stay on task better than before.
Definitely not seen the drop-off I did on the lower dose, and the lunchtime dexy bump is helping, but that wears off relatively quickly.
My frustration is still there, especially in the evenings with the kids but for the most part there's still an improvement.
I don't see the Psychiatrist again until mid-May so hopefully things keep on track!