F*** My Life - Guaranteed laugh.

McSweeney

McSweeney

Likes Dirt
Just got sent this by a gal-pal of mine,
Thought i'd post it up. Gave me some sore stomach muscles after the first 3 pages.

Have a read through and maybe post your favourite, i think it's hilarious.

Sorry if it's already been done before.

http://www.fmylife.com/


Cheers,
Will.
 
|Matt|

|Matt|

Banned
I read these pretty much all day at TAFE. My favourite was the one about how the guy went into a hairdressers and asked for a shampoo, cut and a blowjob (meaning to ask for a blow dry).

Another was how a guy was pissing in a public urinal, sneezed and smacked his head on a metal beam above his head, causing him to spin around and piss all over the guy standing next to him.

My lecturer often wonders why there's an eruption of laughter from the back corner of the room. Many lols are had.
 
mad_mike51

mad_mike51

Likes Bikes and Dirt
Today, my mom had my girlfriend and I over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmothers wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML
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I laughed


10 char
 
Rider15

Rider15

Likes Bikes and Dirt
Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML
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Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted "I want to fuck your pussy" to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said "I want to fuck your puppy." FML
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Today, my mom : "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", she then proceeds to give me a strawberry flavored jelly. I say that it tastes good and ask what she gave me. "It's my new nipple cream, I want to surprise your dad tonight." FML
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Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML
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10 characters.
 
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J@se

J@se

Breezeway Bandit
"Today, a customer that I've been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, "Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How'd you do it?" He replied, "I got cancer." FML"

This one made me chuckle.
 
Joy

Joy

Likes Dirt
Such a good site. Some of them just made me so sick to the stomach, others made me laugh my ass off.
 
mad_mike51

mad_mike51

Likes Bikes and Dirt
Today, my fiancee broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML
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Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML
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Classic Bra...
 
D

davo808

Likes Bikes and Dirt
Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

We all do this sometime or another... Don't we?
 
Kirky

Kirky

Likes Dirt
'Today, at the supermarket everybody was staring at me. After ten minutes, I realized that my umbrella was still open. '

'Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity.'

I'm making a list to submit.
 
who...?

who...?

Likes Dirt
Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML
 
D

davo808

Likes Bikes and Dirt
Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

Has happened to me three times this week... by the same teacher.... he's a dude... haha
 
skivi

skivi

Likes Dirt
  • "Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was sitting up on my bed when he reached down near my privates and said, "Wow babe, did you shave today? It's so soft..." He was actually touching my bottom roll above my vagina which delightfully formed a crease. FML"

*shudders*
 
ajay

ajay

^Once punched Jeff Kennett. Don't pick an e-fight
I must be gettin old... that shit just doesnt amuse me in the slightest.
 
S.

S.

ex offender
ajay said:
I must be gettin old... that shit just doesnt amuse me in the slightest.
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Yeah likewise... I read two pages and didn't even crack a smile. None of the ones quoted in this thread are actually funny either.
 
PINT of Stella. mate!

PINT of Stella. mate!

Many, many Scotches
Some of them are pretty funny stories but the identical delivery of every post shits me to tears. It's like watching a piss-poor improv show where the theme is 'embarrassing moments'
 
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