Little Things You Love

beeb

Dr. Beebenson, PhD HA, ST, Offset (hons)
I friggin hate hook-turns (driving a car this is).

I don't go into the city often enough to know which intersections I need to do one at (and don't even start with that "it's anywhere you need to turn right across a tram line", because BULLSHIT! It is most definitely not every right turn across a tram line, these days I'd be surprised if it's even the majority of them because haphazardly occurring right-turn lanes now exist randomly across the city. Yes, there's these helpful little sign to identify which intersections you need to do a hook-turn at, but they're normally positioned at an altitude that endangers the international space station, and are about 200mm across. Bonus points for council/roads workers that manage to install them somewhere you're retinas will be seared to resemble a piece of crispy bacon if you're required to look at them during the morning/evening peak hours.

But I digress, if by some miracle you've potentially been lucky enough to guess whether you're turning right from the left lane or right from a right turn lane, you can now go and stack on the left. Someone pulls in behind you. So far so good, hook-turn area now full. Then some fucking knob jockey comes and pulls up alongside you in the 'going straight ahead' left turn lane because they can't comprehend that stationary cars the other side of the intersection means TRAFFIC ISN'T FLOWING AND THERE'S NOWHERE TO FUCKING MOVE INTO. Thus blocking off both through traffic and your ability to complete a hook turn. You think to yourself "Fuck you, fuck your parents, and fuck anyone who's ever known your name and not slapped you", and wait. Eventually traffic edges forward, knob-head moves and you commence your hook-turn. But because it's Melbourne some fuck-knuckle taxi driver/delivery van will decide to pull a unplanned kamikaze U-turn through the middle of the intersection that you still haven't cleared out of (no, not by doing a "hook-U-turn" either), and tries to park their vehicle in your driver's side front quarter panel. So you pause again, think some more curses, make your gesticulations and probably even toot your horn. At this point traffic going from the other direction has now clogged the intersection because apparently it's peak hour in both directions and the people going that way also fail to comprehend that there is no exit strategy from an intersection when traffic isn't moving because dumb fucks like them at every other intersection in town are doing exactly the same thing.

Fuck Melbourne and it's idiot drivers who think it's ok to inconvenience an entire city instead of 'missing the lights'. And you people are telling me you're brave enough to entry this fray on a bicycle? No thank you. No thank you indeed!

On-topic LTIH - That Melbourne never went ahead with the plan to ban cars (except delivery vehicles/trades obviously) from the CBD. Would actually be a fairly functional city if you could jump on a tram or just walk everywhere.
 

Dales Cannon

The Olden Dazed
Staff member
I friggin hate hook-turns (driving a car this is).

I don't go into the city often enough to know which intersections I need to do one at (and don't even start with that "it's anywhere you need to turn right across a tram line", because BULLSHIT! It is most definitely not every right turn across a tram line, these days I'd be surprised if it's even the majority of them because haphazardly occurring right-turn lanes now exist randomly across the city. Yes, there's these helpful little sign to identify which intersections you need to do a hook-turn at, but they're normally positioned at an altitude that endangers the international space station, and are about 200mm across. Bonus points for council/roads workers that manage to install them somewhere you're retinas will be seared to resemble a piece of crispy bacon if you're required to look at them during the morning/evening peak hours.

But I digress, if by some miracle you've potentially been lucky enough to guess whether you're turning right from the left lane or right from a right turn lane, you can now go and stack on the left. Someone pulls in behind you. So far so good, hook-turn area now full. Then some fucking knob jockey comes and pulls up alongside you in the 'going straight ahead' left turn lane because they can't comprehend that stationary cars the other side of the intersection means TRAFFIC ISN'T FLOWING AND THERE'S NOWHERE TO FUCKING MOVE INTO. Thus blocking off both through traffic and your ability to complete a hook turn. You think to yourself "Fuck you, fuck your parents, and fuck anyone who's ever known your name and not slapped you", and wait. Eventually traffic edges forward, knob-head moves and you commence your hook-turn. But because it's Melbourne some fuck-knuckle taxi driver/delivery van will decide to pull a unplanned kamikaze U-turn through the middle of the intersection that you still haven't cleared out of (no, not by doing a "hook-U-turn" either), and tries to park their vehicle in your driver's side front quarter panel. So you pause again, think some more curses, make your gesticulations and probably even toot your horn. At this point traffic going from the other direction has now clogged the intersection because apparently it's peak hour in both directions and the people going that way also fail to comprehend that there is no exit strategy from an intersection when traffic isn't moving because dumb fucks like them at every other intersection in town are doing exactly the same thing.

Fuck Melbourne and it's idiot drivers who think it's ok to inconvenience an entire city instead of 'missing the lights'. And you people are telling me you're brave enough to entry this fray on a bicycle? No thank you. No thank you indeed!

On-topic LTIH - That Melbourne never went ahead with the plan to ban cars (except delivery vehicles/trades obviously) from the CBD. Would actually be a fairly functional city if you could jump on a tram or just walk everywhere.
 

mark22

Likes Dirt
I friggin hate hook-turns (driving a car this is).

I don't go into the city often enough to know which intersections I need to do one at (and don't even start with that "it's anywhere you need to turn right across a tram line",
Look up dude they are clearly marked at or before the intersection. I used to drive in the CBD quite a lot and never found it a problem
 

beeb

Dr. Beebenson, PhD HA, ST, Offset (hons)
Look up dude they are clearly marked at or before the intersection. I used to drive in the CBD quite a lot and never found it a problem
They seem to mostly be hung off the tramlines about 20 metres before the intersection from what I’ve seen, right at the same point the parking bays end and tram stop barriers commence and the road doglegs - so I’m normally busily occupied by watching all the morons who can’t follow lane markings so I don’t end up playing bumper cars. Don’t know, maybe there’s other signs lower but as someone who rarely visits the city (and hopes to never do so again) I find generally there’s no coherence or clarity to the signage, things are high and low and different sizes. It’s a shitshow.
 

mark22

Likes Dirt
They seem to mostly be hung off the tramlines about 20 metres before the intersection from what I’ve seen, right at the same point the parking bays end and tram stop barriers commence and the road doglegs - so I’m normally busily occupied by watching all the morons who can’t follow lane markings so I don’t end up playing bumper cars. Don’t know, maybe there’s other signs lower but as someone who rarely visits the city (and hopes to never do so again) I find generally there’s no coherence or clarity to the signage, things are high and low and different sizes. It’s a shitshow.
Yeah I guess it can be challenging if you don't get in there much. Still it's better than driving in Qld, ooohh my gawd.
 

pink poodle

aka stickchops
How good is a negroni on a winter afternoon? Very good. It's even better when its on work time, discounted, and yore typing and email that may cause a bit of trouble at wOrk.
 

tubby74

Likes Bikes and Dirt
recent trip to bali and they had this zip line with a tandem bike across the rice paddies. Bike dropped the chain so attendant just grabbed a harness a booked up, walked out and calmly put the chain on standing on the wire about 50m up whilst the woman on the back was loudly panicking. so consider that next time you complain about a trailside minor mishap


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