You laugh you lose

Mr Kurt

Likes Bikes and Dirt
If anyone has ever read any of David Thornes Emails then your sure to know how fucking funny he is! This is one about time sheets, that his co-worker wants him to fill out:

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 9.11am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Timesheets

Did you use my desk while I was away? You're not allowed to go on my computer. I can tell someone used it because I shut it down before I left and pulled out the power cord but it was on this morning and where is my mousepad and what is this shit drawn on my desk?

I need to collect everyones time sheets for last week as well. Have you done them?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 9.52am
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Timesheets

Good morning Simon,

No, I have decided not to do time-sheets anymore. I'm not a robot. As your new token responsibility as time-sheet collector is essentially the office equivalent of placing an OCD child in charge of equally spaced fridge-magnet distribution to keep it occupied while The View is on, this saves you from having to bother with the whole embarrassing process.

Also, while I generally avoid going anywhere near your cubicle of sorrow, lest the lack of atmosphere suck me in and cause my eyes to pop out like in that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie where he is on Mars and his eyes pop out, I was required to access your computer in your absence due to a client's request for files.

I actually missed you while you were away. To counter this, I placed a plank of wood in your chair and wrote ‘Simon’ on it. He said I could use your stuff.
Regards, David.


simonsheets1.jpg


From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 10.05am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Timesheets

YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO USE MY COMPUTER. What client needed a file off my computer? Youre not allowed to put things on the walls in the foyer either. It leaves holes. It was a waste of time anyway because I took it straight down. Some of us have work to do you know.

And you don't just get to choose if you do your time sheets or not . You're not special. Its the rules and accounts need them to bill the client properly. I’ve been here longer than you and I put my time sheets in every week. Everyone has to do them.
1. YOURE NOT ALLOWED NOT TOUCH MY COMPUTER
2. DO NOT USE MY STUFF
3. YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR TIMESHEETS. EVERYONE DOES.
I took a photo of my desk and am going to email it to Jennifer. Is it permanent marker? And where are my pens dickhead?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.08am
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Dear Simon,

I understand that following a set of rules saves you from having to make decisions but, as you are well aware, all branding services provided by this company are charged at a fixed quote and price. As such, time spent doing time-sheets might be better spent questioning the logic of requiring time-sheets to calculate a fee that has already been agreed upon. Or cleaning your desk.

I once read about five monkeys that were placed in a room with a banana at the top of a set of stairs. As one monkey attempted to climb the stairs, all of the monkeys were sprayed with jets of cold water. A second monkey made an attempt and again the monkeys were sprayed. No more monkeys attempted to climb the stairs. One of the monkeys was then removed from the room and replaced with a new monkey. New monkey saw the banana and started to climb the stairs but to its surprise, it was attacked by the other monkeys. Another of the original monkeys was replaced and the newcomer was also attacked when he attempted to climb the stairs. The previous newcomer took part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Replacing a third original monkey with a new one, it headed for the stairs and was attacked as well. Half of the monkeys that attacked him had no idea why. After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, none had ever been sprayed with cold water but all stayed the fuck away from the stairs.

Being here longer than me doesn't automatically make your adherence to a rule, or the rule itself, right. It makes you the fifth replacement monkey. The one with the weird red arse and the first to point and screech when anyone approaches the stairs. I would be the sixth monkey, at home in bed trying to come up with a viable excuse not to spend another fruitless day locked in a room with five neurotic monkeys.

Regardless, you will be pleased to learn that due to your absence last week leaving me with a spare hour per day, which is usually dedicated to staring at the back of your head with one eye closed doing that thing with your thumb and finger where you squash it, I did do my time-sheets. Please find attached.

Regards, David.



MONDAY
9am
Arrived at work. Considered staying home in bed but, with Simon being away this week, there is no real reason to be absent. Checked production schedule. Completed my work for the week.

4pm
Cleaned my mouse.

5pm
Left for the day.


TUESDAY
10am
Arrived at work. Answered the phone on Simon's desk with "Hello, this is Simon Dempsey speaking. How may I be of help to you?" Told client I would have a pdf to them "as quick as a cheetah."

10.30am
Accessed Simon’s computer using his secret password ‘Archmage’ in order to locate and send requested pdf to client. Sent. Read Simon's emails. Replied to his mother regarding her question about what to get Auntie Maureen for her birthday. Recommended jumping castle.

11.30am
Attempted to log into Simon's Facebook. Clicked 'send me my password'. Checked Simon's email. Logged into Simon's Facebook.

Changed status to single. Sent Karen a message saying "Ignore the status change. We haven't broken up. I just don't want anyone to know I have a girlfriend."

Looked at pictures Simon uploaded of himself in a boat. Googled the names of the two guys in Miami Vice. Tagged Simon's nipples 'Sony' and 'Chubbs'.

4pm
Left for the day.


WEDNESDAY
11am
Arrived at work. Read about Emperor penguins on Wikipedia while having my morning coffee at Simon’s desk. Drew pictures of penguins.

simonemployee04.jpg

11.30am
Realised the permanent Sharpie I was drawing with had penetrated the paper and Simon’s desk now had eighteen penguins saying 'Hey' on it. Hunting for something to clean it with, I used the key Simon hides behind the framed photo of his cat Lady Diana to unlock his top drawer. Found Star Wars Lego. Recreated the scene from the movie where, during a light-saber duel, Vader cuts off Luke's right hand, reveals that he is his father, and entreats him to convert to the dark side so they can rule the galaxy as father and son. Lost Luke's hand behind Simon's desk.

12.30pm
Chased and killed a bee in the office with Simon’s mousepad rolled into a tube while making light-saber noises. Closed Simon's window.

12.45pm
Thought about the bee’s family waiting expectantly at home for his return. Gave them names. Imagined Bradley rushing into his mother’s outstretched arms, bewailing, “I miss him so much” and Brenda replying, “I know Bradley, I miss him too.”

Performed ceremony. There was cake. Constructed a small funereal pyre on Simon's desk out of a paperclip, placed Ben's small lifeless body on top, mentioned his selfless determination to provide for his family, and set it alight.

Unfortunately, I was only into the first verse of Bohemian Rhapsody, the only church song I know, when Ben’s body popped like a corn kernel and flew behind the desk. Unsure if he was still alight, I poured coffee down after him. Realising nobody has ever been behind the desk due to its size and position against a rear wall, I also dropped the remains of the cake and the plate down the back to save me having to walk into the kitchen. Accidently knocked Simon's pencils down there as well. And then his mousepad.

3pm
Left for the day.


THURSDAY
12pm
Arrived at work.

1pm
Sat in Simon's chair without my pants on.

2pm
Left for the day.


FRIDAY
Called in sick. Went shopping. Bought a Keurig.

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.29am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Thanks for the evidence dickhead. I emailed that to Jennifer and i changed my password. I am making a formal complaint. Stay off my computer or I will punch you in the throat. I am serious. Are you going to get my stuff out from behind the desk?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.41am
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Dear Simon,

I wish I had the time. Some of us have work to do and time sheets to complete. I have attached today’s should you wish to also email to Jennifer.

Regards, David.


MONDAY
9am
Arrived at work. I feel it is important to set a good example for the other staff through promptness.

9.11am
Received a series of rather vicious emails from Simon, which began with accusations, insults, questions and demands, and degraded into actual threats of bodily harm. This was after I told him I had missed him while he was away. I find this unprovoked animosity disappointing and would have expected more from the employee of the month.

11.30am
Filled out these time sheets as it is part of the job and allows production to bill the client accordingly. Finding it difficult to concentrate on job priorities today due to the negative environment Simon has created, so will be leaving at lunch time.

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.53am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Good. I wont have to see your ugly head if you go early. Youre the one who will get in trouble dickhead.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 12.09pm
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

simonsheets3.jpg






There are a couple of other good ones her:

http://www.27bslash6.com/halogen.html
http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html
http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html
http://www.27bslash6.com/function4sports.html

Hope you find them as funny as i did!!!!
 
Last edited:

wespelarno

Likes Dirt
This guy finds on-line classifieds ads and trolls them. Perfectly.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=104 said:
Rocked
Posted at: 2011-05-21 08:50:30
Original ad:
Clean fill
Need clean fill rocks are fine. not much. cannot pick up must deliver. will take off you hands for free.


From Me to brad ********:

Hello,

I have some rocks I need to get rid of. I have several different types of rocks ranging from 1/2" to 6" rocks. Just let me know what kind you want, how much you need, and when I can send my guy to deliver.

Thanks,

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:


well i need them to fill a small whole in my backyard so bigger rocks i guess? 6 inch would be good. i only need like 2 wheelbarow loads so not too many. when can you deliver?

From Me to brad ********:

6" it is. I can have a truck there to deliver any time between 9-5 Monday through Friday. Where are you located?

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

do i have to be there for the delivery? i work every day so those times arent gonna work for me. if its cool could you drop them off tomorrow? just tell your guy to put them on the grass at the edge of my driveway next to the shed

heres my address:

517 *********** ln
coatesville, pa

From Me to brad ********:

No, you do not have to be there. I will forward this information to my driver and you can expect the rocks tomorrow.

From brad ******** to Me:

great


The rest of this conversation is the following day. I looked up his address in Google street view to figure out what his driveway looked like.


From Me to brad ********:

Hey Brad,

Just wanted to let you know, we actually need to get rid a few more rocks, so my guy is going to deliver them to your house in about 15 minutes.

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

wait what how many more? i dont want any more i have nowhere to put them

From Me to brad ********:

We sent a truckload with about 8 tons of 6" rocks. Don't worry, all the rocks are free of charge.

From brad ******** to Me:

8 TONS? what the fuck you better tell your guy not to deliver them

From brad ******** to Me:

you got that? DONT DELIVER THE ROCKS

From Me to brad ********:

I just got off the phone with my guy, he said he just delivered the rocks. He told me you didn't leave him enough room for all 8 tons by the shed, so he just dumped them in front of your garage.

Best,

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

WHAT THE FUCK!!!! i told you dont delever them you fucking dipshit! the fuck am i gonna do with all those rocks? you better get rid of them by the time i get home man..... how am i suposed to park my fucking car?

From Me to brad ********:

I am sorry that we had to block your garage, but you should have left more room next to the shed if you wanted them dumped there. Unfortunately we lack the necessary machinery to load the rocks back into the truck so removal is not an option. Also, my driver said he accidentally backed into your shed and broke one of the windows. We apologize for this. Consider the free extra rocks as compensation for the damage.

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:


ARE YOU FUCKING KIDING ME MOTHER FUCKER YOUR PAYING FOR THE SHED

I LEFT YOU PLENTY FUCKING ROOM FOR THE AMT OF ROCKS I ASKEDFOR. YOU DIDNT SAY YOU WERE DELIVERIG 8 FUCKING TONS OF ROCKS YOU PEICE OF SHIT!!!! USE YOUR HANDS I DONT GIVE A FUCK HOW YOU DO IT BUT IF I FIND 8 TONS OF ROCKS IN MY DRIVE WAY THERE IS GONNA FUCKING HELL TO PAY

FUCKING ASSHOLE

From Me to brad ********:


Brad,

If you insist on us removing the rocks then we are going to have to charge you a $500 rock removal fee.

Mike
From brad ******** to Me:

THIS IS SOME FUCKING BULLSHIT

From Me to brad ********:

I am sorry you feel that way, but without the $500 removal fee, we cannot remove the rocks. I realize you must be upset about your shed, so if you like, we can deliver another 4 tons of rocks as our way of apologizing for the shed.

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

NO DICKHEAD WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT MORE ROCKS??? DUMBASS
THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT. I DIDNT ASK FOR 8 TONS OF ROCKS AND IM NOT PAYING SHIT. YOU OWE ME FOR THE SHED AND YOU GET THOSE ROCKS THE FUCK OUT OF THERE YOU FUCKING PRICK

From Me to brad ********:

If you aren't paying, then you have to keep the rocks. These are really nice rocks, though. I'm sure you will be able to find use for them. I have a pile of rocks in my backyard and it makes for a great conversation piece. If deer are a problem in your backyard, you can use these rocks to throw at them. They also make great paperweights. There are plenty of things to do with these rocks, so enjoy them.

Mike

From brad ******** to Me:

im at my house now. where are the rocks?

From brad ******** to Me:

oh FUCK YOU
 
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